Death keeps knocking on my door

I have felt death the day I was born. Obviously, I was so tiny to understand what death is. But, thanks to my Great Grandma for saving my life.

As soon as I grew up and started to walk towards life, death knocked my door. I heard someone dying very close to me. I had no idea what death is and how it snatches away the people who love you. My mother introduced me to the term death. I was too immature and naive to understand it. I just kept wondering where is that person who loved me so much. Why is he gone?

It was just an year, I was still in progress to understand where has he gone. Then, death decided to meet me again. He came knocking on the door and took my GrandMa. The 12 year old me was rattled and thrilled and confused. My brain was freezed and asked one question that where are these people going? Yesterday, I was sleeping in her lap and when I woke up she’s gone? Just like that? It was the first time I saw a corpse. I couldn’t swallow the truth that a day before I was sleeping in her lap and after waking up I saw her sleeping on the floor.

Years passed, I grew up. Perhaps mature enough to understand the term death. But, immature to deal with it. I was sitting on my dinning table and heard a knock on my door. Death decided to show up once again and that sent the chills down my spine. It was my maternal grandfather. The 18 year old me gathered all her strength up and decided to deal with it like a woman. But, death my friend, is an unpleasant guest.

The 22 year old me was so sure that now it’s over. I made peace with it. I allowed them to let go. They went, but death didn’t. It kept snatching away the person I love. Till this time I was shattered, too lazy to cry for further loss. Death knocked as usual, and gave me a smirk. He mocked at me and decided to took one more person..It was my paternal grandfather.

The 23 year old me was in a no mood to welcome him again. I closed my door, locked it as if death couldn’t open it by himself. Hospitals, oxygen masks, ventilators, corpse, death rituals have now became a part of my life. I tried to run away, exasperated, tired, worn out, damaged. Finally death found me and pulled the door, broke it into pieces. I begged him, I cried. Death showed no mercy. He took what he came for. He took the most precious person who saved me from death. May be, death gave her punishment for saving me from him. It was my great grandmother.

Now, I’m left with few precious person. Death taught me one thing.. ”to let go”. You can’t hold on forever. He will come find you, he will break you into pieces. He will snatch away everyone from you and will leave you behind to experience your own destruction. All you can do is to let go and find peace with it.

A day without you

Have you spent a day without water? And then, finally getting a drop of it fills you with immense exhilaration and a single drop makes you crave for more.

And that’s how I am without you, a person fasting all day without water, who knows that he want water but couldn’t have it. I know it sounds foolish that I couldn’t even spend a single day without you. Call it my love or obsession but a day without you is miserable.

I know one day I have to let you go. It’s not going to be painless. But how am I supposed to let you go when I become a total control freak within a day without you? I’m assured a mess free life by you. I don’t know how you do this but you collect my everyday’s mess and dump it far away than me.

A day without you feels miserable. I start becoming a freak. I become vulnerable, I start disconnecting with people I know. I gather my mess and feel depressed about it. I even start hallucinating about my old dumped mess. The central idea is that I start feeling lonely again, I start feeling like the way I was before you. I remember you, calling me a ‘beautiful mess’.

And that’s how A DAY feels without you. I imagine how my whole life would be without you. Letting you go would be the hardest thing for me to do. Perhaps, one day I’ll learn to manage my mess by myself along with the loneliness.

Growing Old

Your life was a mess and then boom, suddenly you realize it’s a super mess. Congrats! You’ve grown old. The symptoms of growing old is having a worst feeling about it. Sitting around bunch of enthusiastic kids, makes you feel like run away and find a quiet place and sleep.

Growing old doesn’t necessarily means the senior citizens. It’s the same feeling but the difference is your age lies between 23-25. The other symptoms are always craving for love over friendship.

So, the question is why do we feel so old? Yes, the first reason being the maturity lessons from our parent. Second being the environment. We automatically become quiet. Okay, yes It’s part of the nature to grow old but it isn’t to feel that old.

Why loose the child within you. Don’t ever let the child die within you. Yes, it’s just that the child within you will have some major responsibilities and it will have to observe places where it can behave like a child. But there’s that one person or group of persons (perhaps of same age) where you don’t feel old, where you find yourself comfortable behaving in any way you want. Those people or that person won’t judge you. You both know that there is someone with whom you’ll grow old but never feel old.

And, talking about craving for love. This is the hardest part of growing old(or being an adult). Well, love everybody who matters to you. It’s not always important to find someone of opposite gender. Find someone with whom you’re comfortable while you walk and talk. Never hunt for love, let the love hunt you down.

Behave like an adult, but act like a child. Let the child unleash within you.

Happy Adulting/Growing old!

Sufferings are indeed personal

Pain, is indeed a personal feeling. No matter how many close people you have they’ll not get it. It doesn’t matter if they promise to stay with you together and forever and sharing the fruits of joy and pain together, they leave you. They can never understand your suffering. Some of them will mock at you, some of them will leave as they’ll feel that you’re just a loner or they’ll just simply not get what you’re trying to say.

There’s a pain buried within the graveyard of your chest. The soul of which would haunt you forever. No matter, how hard you try to socialize or share it with someone, you’ll be alone and have to suffer alone.

You’re born alone, you die alone and in between all these friendship, love, relationships are a lie. The truth is you’re alone. The pain is obviously not born it’s created by your surrounding that means it’s a lie too. But in between living and dying the so called lie ‘pain” would make you suffer. Never depend on someone or never wait for someone to share your pain, wait for yourself to conquer this pain. Wait for yourself to grow stronger and stronger so that you can tolerate this pain. But, never commit a mistake to wait for someone..

Alone and independent as well

Being alone and independent is not always heart-breaking. It makes you strong from within. And if you’re a person who builds an invisible wall around yourself to protect yourself from people it’s just like the icing on the cake.

As soon as you realize that the world is not fit for you, it is better for people like you. Because people like us suffer. You’re trapped in the ocean full of taunts, negative people, sycophants and obnoxious pricks, who would never let you go just because they love dominating over you.

And, you being the dependent emotional fool, want to stay with them. It’s better to be alone and depend on yourself for everything. Nobody can make you happy or sad until and unless you decide to.

Get a job! You can pay your own bills, you could do your own daily chores, you could treat yourself with good food, take yourself out for a date. But, for people like us there’s nobody out there. Don’t wait for anyone to take you out from this trap. It would surely take some time but till then have patience, unleash the fire within you. You need no friends, no family, neither anyone’s money nor anyone’s support.

You’re complete, you don’t need someone to complete you. The home is where you feel independent. Leave everyone and follow your dreams.

Losing someone

You never got to know what it’s like to lose someone until you really have loosen someone in your life. Their absence pinch you everytime, everywhere in the place where you created moments together.

People will tell you that it’s okay. It’s a part of birth cycle, everyone has to leave. But, none of the condolences made would pacify you. Only you can feel the burning agony inside your heart. Suffering is indeed a personal thing. People would just see that you’ve lost somebody. They could never reckon what amount you’ve lost.

It’s you, who have lived with the gone one. It’s you who have seen their soul cry and smile at situations. It’s you who have felt the pain. So, never say..I understand what you’ve lost. Because you’d never understand until you’ve lost someone very special.

The Future

Why care about an uncertain future when you’ve such a lovely present. I don’t understand why do we have to care about the people the happiness that’s not gonna end up with us in future. Nothing’s going to end up forever, not even your life.

You’ve plenty of time to enjoy the present. You cannot take your present in your future. All you can take away with you is the memory of the person. May be you’re not destined to end up together but you’re definitely destined to be together now.

Don’t care about right or wrong you’re doing now. The thing which you’re doing becomes wrong the day you feel shameful after facing yourself in the mirror. Nobody else would tell you what’s wrong with you. It’s your pretty good soul who would vouch for your goodness.

So, at the end, it’s your call to live in the present and appreciate what you have or to cry over something which you could loose in future.

The Dead Heart

People have started calling you heartless, or “you’re dead from inside”. Ok, Yes may be I am. I’m 24 still single, yes that’s because I chose to be. I hate cheesy movies, cheesy romantic dialogues. In fact, I hate every cheesy romantic things and that makes me dead.

But, hey I’m not dead. I’m alive in a different world, in a different corner of my heart of which you’re unaware. Neither do I want to make you aware of it. There is one guy in that corner. But it’s murky in there, no visibility. I can’t see his face. But I do have a heart. I feel him. I love him, unaware of his identity. He pulls me back there whenever some other guy wants to pull me out.

Every night I am pulled by him in that corner. I could just feel his presence over there. I could feel his immense, selfless love. It’s just that I’m waiting for the new morning in there. It’s still murky but I feel love there. I’m waiting for the sun to rise one day and shower his bright line upon me. Caress my cheeks with his shining bright light. I’m not dead okay? My heart is alive. He has kept that alive. My heart is not available for you okay? It’s his. He’s coming. He’s trying to rise as fast as he can.

THE BETRAYAL

Finally, you have joined a new college. You don’t like your college. You make a group of six friends and you started to love your college life. Huh? Who, am I kidding? I’m the person who haven’t made a group which consists maximum two people and I believe those 6 to continue for the lifetime? Oh, sorry till the college ends? Uh-no, till the first semester?

The group gradually disappeared. The people who’d call you best friend, who took notes from you, who copied your assignments, used to hangout with you are all fake. This is the end of second semester and I’m left with 3 girls(including me)

The people calling you best friends have now another so-called-BFF’S. Because, may be they didn’t enjoyed your company. Because, may be you were boring or others were more interesting than you. Absolutely no, because you trusted them, and all they wanted to do is betray your trust. Oh, you know why? Because, you are a bloody emotional human being. People with good hearts are always ignored. Heartless people are always preferred over good people.

May, be it was not your fault. Because, the people who really care about stayed. No matter if they’re just the two or one. They’re good people who trusts you and your friendship. The quality is all that matters. May be you’ve always been betrayed by everyone but never stop trusting the good ones. Because, majority are bad, that doesn’t mean the minority are also bad. The good people still exist. Trust me.

You break your own heart

Sometimes, it’s not the other people who break your heart. Sometimes you are responsible for breaking your own heart. No one has got that audacity to break your heart. You have taken care of your heart, you watered it like you do to a tiny fragile plant. You made a rose, a soft corner grow inside you. And now you’re allowing others to pluck it just because it’s beautiful and they want it.

Just think, why do you offer a rose to some person? Just so because he/she accept it and never throw it away and may be keep it with them forever in a diary or a book. The rose is your heart. Never offer it to a person who have no respect for it.

You are responsible for it if they throw it away. Yes, it’s true sometimes you break your own heart. Don’t blame them, blame yourself for expecting something higher.